Struggles

I will be honest- today was not such a great day, so it’s hard to sit down and write with the weight of that hanging over me, but the reason that I write these blogs is because I feel like it’s my little ministry while I’m here. I don’t know how successful I am at it, but I feel like God has called me to share, open and honestly, about our experiences here. It would be a disservice to those that I hope to edify if I were to sugar coat everything. Life is not like that, no matter where you are. When we truly commit to following Christ, we will have our struggles. Hopefully through sharing mine, others might feel like they are not alone or any less in God’s eyes because they fall short of where they think they should be (me included) in their Christian walk.

That being said, life here continues to have its ups and downs, both in their extremes; the highs are very high, and the lows are very low. Some days I wake up and anxiously wait with anticipation to see what new person God puts in my path. When several days go by and no person is put in my path, I’m deflated as the girls and I spend the time in isolation with each day feeling like its 48 hours long. Adam leaves for work at 8AM and doesn’t return until 6:30 or 7PM most nights, so the girls and I have many long hours to fill. We do spend Wednesdays with the European ladies at the weekly luncheon, but the between days can be difficult and lonely. Most of the European ladies either work or volunteer in their kids’ schools to occupy their time. They have moved here permanently, so most have decided to enroll their kids in local schools. Their kids are also very young, which helps with the integration.

I do think we have all pretty well adjusted to the culture here, though. We know where to buy everything that we need, how to get around, etc. The girls and I often make trips during the week to the stores and library to try and get out. The library is very small and mostly has fiction books, but it is a real Godsend considering how much Hailey reads! Life in this small town (even with its 2 million people!) is still pretty rough. The girls and I have started painting with some of the European ladies before our luncheon on Wednesdays, and the ladies were lamenting how this town has nothing to do in it, especially compared to larger cities in India. One lady is an Indian from Mumbai, and she hates it here. Apparently the local ladies even snub other Indians who are not Malayali (locals). She tried to make relationships, but no one would ever call her or invite her out, which is why she engaged the Europeans (that and her husband is Dutch). Social outlets in general are very few. There is only one coffee shop in town, for example (and as an aside, they serve instant coffee). There is no place to hang out, especially for younger people.

While our days are rough being cooped up in the apartment, Adam has been enjoying working at an office for a change. Working from home in Idaho, he would be on the phone in his office for hours on end and not get out much. Our roles are slightly reversed here, but in Idaho he didn’t have the girls sitting in his office with him for 12 hours a day and no other grow ups to talk to the entire time. Hmmm….it kind of makes me smile to think about that scenario…. He is settling into his new role and I think being an overall positive influence there. He shares about his faith were possible and appropriate as well. Yesterday, there was a meeting where they ask the host of the event (him) to light the flame on one of the Hindu oil offering vases before the meeting. The tricky part about the Indian culture is that Hinduism is completely intertwined with their national identity. In studying Indian history with the girls, I’ve found that this was the case extremely early in their history- like 300 A.D. early. It’s almost impossible to separate studies of their history from Hindu history and tradition. Anyway, because it’s so closely linked, many rituals like this lighting ceremony can be overlooked as being just a ‘culture thing’ when in fact it is agreeing to participate in a pagan ritual. Adam and I prayed the morning before this event that God would provide a way out, so Adam wouldn’t have to do it (he had already voiced the fact that he did not want to do this prior to this but to no avail). God provided a way out through a guest speaker who was happy to do it.

Coming full circle back to struggles, I read the other day in Francis Chan’s ‘Forgotten God’ book about a Korean woman named Esther Ahn Kim. During World War II, the Japanese occupied her native Korea, and being a Christian, she refused to bow down at the shrines that the Japanese had erected in her country. She knew that it was only a matter of time before she was arrested, so she began to ‘train’ herself everyday for her imprisonment by searching out and eating rotten food. When she was eventually arrested, she embraced the deplorable conditions of her six years in prison, and God used her to lead numerous women to Christ in that place. I have not been able to get this woman’s story out of my head for several days now. How does a person get to that place in their relationship with Christ, where they are that strong in their faith and fearlessly pursue what He has for them, no matter what it is? Perhaps they have that gift of faith that is above and beyond what most other Christians have. While I beat myself up over the times that I’m down, especially when comparing myself to people like this, I must remind myself that God has made us all differently, with different strengths and weaknesses. I doubt He is comparing me to that woman, even though I am doing it myself. He is most likely comparing me to the potential He knows is in me- in us- and encouraging me [us] to reach it, and I do find comfort in that. He is that dad with his arms out, beckoning that baby to take its first few steps and eventually run into His arms. I feel like I’m taking those first few steps into total trust. It reminds me of that DC Talk song that says:

‘What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step, and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue, when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?’

Which is followed by:

'I hear you whispering my name,
“My love for you will never change”'

Blessing to you all.